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Fiz learns that Tyrone didn't grass Kirk up, so he's on the run for nothing. Eric Gartside takes Shelley to a posh restaurant. He is obviously devoted to her and she has a nice time. Tyrone agrees to help Fiz get Kirk off the hook. They go to the jewellers in disguise and slip the ring back into its display case whilst the shop assistant isn't looking. Shelley agrees to go back to Eric's house for a cup of tea. His overbearing mother, Dolly lives there and greets them in her dressing gown. Eric and his mother are inseparable. Shelley beats a hasty retreat, refusing Eric's offer of another date. She advises him to cut the apron strings before he asks another girl out. Cilla turns the heat up on Rita and phones up the Gazette with her story. Candice has put a lonely hearts ad in the Gazette on Eileen's behalf. Eileen is livid. Fiz fails to get hold of Kirk to tell him the police aren't after him. Kirk goes to the police station and hands himself in as the mastermind behind the heist on the jewellers. He gets arrested on suspicion of theft.


Regular cast[]

Guest cast[]



Notable dialogue[]

Eric Gartside: "Excuse me, garçon. It's blowing a gale here. Can we have a table inside please? It's like a wind tunnel."


Eric Gartside: "'Where'd you think I'd take you, the bus station cafe? You look lovely, you look really nice, I've told you. You see, you're doing what that waiter did now, aren't yer? Judging a book by its cover. He saw us coming in here, cheap clothes, me uncomfortable in a tie, you dolled up to the nines, too much slap - mutton. He thought 'Stick em near the door, out the way.' And now you don't feel like you should be here, now you don't feel good enough, you're thinking everyone's looking at you and thinking you look common and cheap, well you don't. You have just as much a right to be here as ever and our money's just as good as theirs. Not that I'm a socialist mind, I don't want you thinking that. Anyway, let's just keep politics out of it tonight... and religion ...are you Catholic? Never mind, I don't want to know. Here we go, Le Gammon!"


Eric Gartside: "By 'eck you don't get much do you?!"
Shelley Unwin (Embarrassed): "It's very well presented though."
Eric Gartside: "Aye, so's Blue Peter. I've got leaves - leaves on me plate! Chef's left t'back door open, must have blown on, leaves!!"
Shelley Unwin: "What are you looking for?"
Eric Gartside: "Me meat! I need a magnifying glass!"


Eric Gartside: "Hiya Mum, I thought you were at Jazzercise?"
Dolly Gartside: "It got cancelled. Marlene's got groin strain."


Eric Gartside: "Shelley married a bigamist, Mum."
Dolly Gartside (Astounded): "What ever did you do that for?"
Shelley Unwin: "I didn't...I didn't know he was a bigamist when I married him!"
Dolly Gartside: "Oh well, that's like my sister Pat, like your Auntie Pat. She didn't know her husband was a vegetarian 'til the reception."

January 2004 episodes
Thu 1stFri 2ndSun 4th • Mon 5th (1 2) • Wed 7thFri 9th
Sun 11th • Mon 12th (1 2) • Wed 14thFri 16thSun 18th • Mon 19th (1 2)
Wed 21stFri 23rdSun 25th • Mon 26th (1 2) • Wed 28th • Fri 30th (1 2)